Scattered Shots: Fightin' Fool

by Victor Williams

Carlos Alazraqui hears voices.

A lot of them. All the time. And he can’t keep them to himself, so he’s turned them into quite the career.

With rubbery vocal cords and a face to match, the Northern California born-and-bred comic turns his bottomless pit of voices into laughs, whether he’s on a comedy club stage, behind a microphone doing a cartoon character or hanging with his Republican buddy on some Southern California golf course, waxing Tony Soprano.

Put him up against Robin Williams in the recent animated hit Happy Feet, and this guy can hold his own. He’s sold a zillion bean burritos as the voice behind the Taco Bell Chihuahua, kept kids giggling as Mr. Crocker on Nickelodeon’s Fairly Oddparents and even showed up in his own skin to take hilarious guest turns on network sitcoms like Men Behaving Badly and That ’70s Show.

Still, every comedian of Alazraqui’s stripe ends up being known for one specific character, and for him it’s gotta be testosterone-crazed, intelligence-challenged Officer James Garcia on Comedy Central’s hilarious improv-meets-soap opera series Reno 911. While the series makes fun of the Northern Nevada gambling town where many a marriage has ended and Fairways + Greens got its start a decade ago — yes, there are some great golf courses in those parts — Garcia is a blockheaded send-up of every obnoxious cop we’ve ever met, or would ever want to meet. And now Alazraqui is taking his character to the big screen in Reno 911: The Motion Picture, this February.

FG caught up with one of the busiest goofballs in show business last fall during a stand-up gig at a club called Pepperbelly’s in Fairfield, not far from his home turf of Concord, just east of San Francisco. After graduating from Sacramento State University, he moved to Los Angeles in 1994, and while he says he’s a more serious tennis player than golfer, what’s so funny about tennis? Nothing we can think of, so here he is, busting our chops instead of those of the serve-and-volley set.

So, are you a closet golfer, or what?

I get out there. I’m no George Lopez by any means. I don’t play every day. But I’ll play the easier courses in L.A. There’s a confidence-builder course called Woodbury Lakes that’s really long, but has wide fairways — you can literally be two fairways over and not be in trouble. I stay away from the desert courses where if you go off the fairway, the ball’s gone. I play the public links. I shot an 86 once. I’m not a hacker; a good month for me is maybe playing four times, not counting hitting range balls. I rely on memory and don’t try to to kill the ball. I’m a good short-game guy. My two favorite clubs are my 24-degree Rescue club and my 9-iron.

Been playing since you were a kid?

In eighth grade they had this deal in Northern California, at Antioch Municipal Golf Course. For like five dollars a month, you could drop your kids off if they were 12 and under, let them play all day, then pick them up. It was some outrageous price. We’d grab these old persimmon woods my dad’s friend had, go out there and hack.

To be honest, some of us at FG have never watched Reno 911.

It’s not required.

Still, a lot of people who watch the show have never been to Reno, so they think it’s an accurate representation of what the town is like.

It’s more of an accurate representation of what Cops is like. It’s not a documentary; it’s a mockumentary.

The new series season started in January, and the movie’s coming in February?

We go back and introduce the characters for the people who haven’t seen the series. I’m the same old idiot, uptight fool.

Let’s be in character for a moment and assume Officer Garcia was picked to be Ryder Cup captain. How would he handle that job?

(Jumps into Garcia’s redneck voice). First of all, I’d put my most intimidating looking golfers on the course. Phil Mickelson’s not cutting it with that little baby gut; he’s gotta go. John Daly would be out there, of course. And Chris DiMarco. They’d probably be a team; they’re both big and stocky and can intimidate.

I like Tiger and Jim Furyk; I’d leave ’em that way, though I’d have Tiger lift his elbow like Furyk on his swing, kind of get people wondering what’s going on, get in their head a little bit.

Davis Love III, I don’t think he’s mean enough lookin’, so I’d drop him, too. I’d get Mike Weir citizenship here in the United States, put him on our team and tell that Canadian to stop bein’ a draft dodger. We need a lefty who’s a little more solid in Ryder Cup play.

Anything else?

Yeah. Second of all, I’d line the fairways with people with bullhorns, and be like the NBA — give ’em those banger sticks and allow ’em to just go nuts. I mean, NBA players have to concentrate on a free throw with all those people yellin’, so why isn’t that way in golf? I’d let go of all this English pleasantry and manner bullcrap. Let’s step it up. Hey, you’ve got NASCAR people jumpin’ through windows and fightin’ each other. I’d encourage fighting.

So to make the collar, to get the trophy back, you’d pretty much suspend all rules.

Oh yeah, they were cryin’ a couple years ago when we were dancin’ on the green. How about dancin’ on the tee box while you’re tryin’ to swing? You gotta problem with it, let’s work it out. You go with your best club, I’ll go with my best club. Let’s get some excitement here!

Are there any comics out there you’ve kind of looked up to or fashioned your act after through the years?

I listened to Bill Cosby when I was real young. And I watched Seinfeld growing up. I watched a lot of British comedy, a lot of Monty Python, a show called the Two Ronnies, the Three Stooges, Bob Newhart, Carol Burnett, Tim Conway, Harvey Korman. Those are the folks I grew up with. Mary Tyler Moore, Dick Van Dyke. I wanted to be a comic actor more than a comic.

When did you first discover you could knock people over with your voice?

Were you one of those guys who used voices to get through high school?
Actually it started in about the fourth grade, making fun of teachers. My parents were from Argentina and my best friends’ parents were from Scotland, so I started imitating people at a very young age. There were a wide variety of accents and characters around. I just started soaking them up.

Golfers probably don’t lend themselves very well to impersonations.

(In a Southern accent) One time ah watched a Bobby Jones film, that old training thing in super slow motion. That guy had an unbelievable swing. He’d go, “stay steady now, keep yah head down, follah through …” After that, for about two weeks I’d say that to myself every time I teed off. That guy could hit it like 250 with the old woods. Can you imagine him now with these freakin’ Volkswagen hoods? Those guys would be crushin’ it.

So when I’m out on the golf course I’ll do voices of other actors or comedians, a lot of goofing around. (Dons a perfect Tony Soprano). “Yeah, a good tee shot ya had theya … be a shame if ya went in the bunkah. Choke down, yall hit a good shot. Just don’t lose ya head.”

Have you played in celebrity events when you’ll get with a foursome and just bust them up on the tee?

Yeah, I’ve been in a ton of events. Smaller ones, with the LAPD. Got to play in an ESPN tournament a couple of years ago. I just busted ’em up with my swing as well as my voice. I played in a cure for cancer tournament; Joe Pesci played in it, at the El Cap in L.A. They were cracking up; we were all there for a money shot and I just choked. I couldn’t take the pressure.

What’s your best memory as far as a golf shot or course goes?

There’s so many, aren’t there? That one 3-wood shot. But I would say there’s a course called Sterling Hills out in Camarillo. Tight fairways, a lot like Robinson Ranch, but not desert. There’s a par 3, 178, elevated tee and green. Usually I don’t hit my rescue that far, and I put it within a foot. Stuck it. Birdied it. I’ve never made an eagle; I’ve chipped in from like 50 yards out, but it was for like an 11. Thanks, but no thanks.

When you do play golf, is it just to relax or what?

I go out there with my buddy. I’m a Democrat, he’s Republican. We actually played on Election Day 2004. We didn’t talk politics. It was wide open, empty. We just go out to reconnect, have fun. We’re like two women. It’s an International Coffee moment for us. We secretly want each other to choke, but we root each other on. It’s a good time, a way to catch up. We get out there about 6:30 and are done by 9. It’s great; we’re done and have the rest of the day.

By the time this story runs, the election will be over. A lot of people see golf as a Republican sport. What are your thoughts on that?

Well, the ball’s white.

Yeah, but now it seems an equal opportunity sport. Everyone can suck at golf equally.

They’re starting to let more Democratic-looking people into clubs, thanks to Tiger. But it’s a sport for both races. You’re competing for a chance to control the hole.

That’s what we call Congress. We call it “the hole.” You wanna control the hole. FG